Update 06/10/09: I’m starting this story completely over and none of it is written yet. Not sure, once any of it is written, that I’ll bother to put it here any more. No one looks at any of my posts that aren’t just rantings about some movie I’ve seen or some random thought that I’ve had, so I’m not going to waste my time typing things except when I’m ready to send them to a magazine or book publisher.
UPDATE 09/3/09: Salandra’s Revolution is now 2 chapters!
Things of note:
- Chapter 1 is now to be considered etched in a clay tablet. There’s room for adjustments, but is likely to only get typo corrections.
- Chapter 2 isn’t set in anything but ink. Some things are still pending reconsideration, and the 13th footnote of the story is actually a placeholder awaiting drastic rephrasing.
- Copyleft still applies, and always will.
- Chapter 3 will be awhile. I haven’t been feeling well so haven’t had a chance to really even get started on it.
- I’ve decided to create a page to keep download links. It will contain every format that WordPress will allow me to upload. Just don’t bitch at me about the formatting of anything but the .odt or .pdf — I likely won’t give a damn.
- The usual preferences from before:
- Please comment. Feedback helps me. I know the characters and setting, and so does my current editor so we need to know when we’ve really confused you. Though please bear in mind that this is, at most, 1/4 of the way finished and a lot will probably become clear in later chapters — but don’t let that stop you from saying you’re confused because it might not be anything that it occurred to either of us to explain or elaborate upon… and some things will just be left a mystery on purpose. I mean — does Lucas ever explain how droids work? No. Some things you’ll just have to take on faith.
- Keep your comments polite and constructive. I’m not going to approve (or if you’re already approved I will delete) any comment that is simply “This is teh suxxor” or any other utter waste of bits. If you don’t like it, don’t be afraid to say so — but if it’s simply because it’s not your cuppa, that’s not helpful and really pointless (but might get approved so long as it’s polite and doesn’t look like a retarded bread mould typed it) — I’d like to know what you didn’t like, it might be something I was thinking didn’t look right and that could what makes up my mind.
- Subscribing to the RSS is a good way to keep up with the status of the story. I will make a post whenever I put up a new chapter or major revision. The comments for those posts, and the page will be off. Comments should go with this post.
Well — that’s about it. Hope you enjoy the story. If you do. Say so. Really — comments that are “This is teh 1337 shitz” will probably get deleted, but “I think this is great! Now, give me another chapter soon or I’ll cut out your worthless heart with a popsicle stick” are quite encouraging and let me know all the time and effort is truly worth it.
Cheers!
Interesting i thought it was good it just needs more clarification on certain parts and maybe more detail on Sal and her surroundings but this looks like it could turn out pretty good
P.S. Its BBwood from WoW =]
Some of the description is left out for sake of story flow — if you were narrating a story to someone you wouldn’t likely stop and explain the internet to them… much the same here.
Some of it I fully intend to flesh out in the course of the further chapters, or in some minor adjustments to chapter 1 that I plan to tackle once I’m through with 2.
It’s a good start. The voices and characters are clear and defined. I got a bit confused, though. There’s a lot going on there for a first chapter, both on a character level and in what’s demanded of the reader. Maybe you intend for the reader to feel lost? There was an introduction to the protagonist, an unfamiliar world, unfamiliar races of which the protagonist is a combination of at least two, a human(?) mother(?) with some kind of multiple parenting system with both genders, and a poorly dressed bureaucrat antagonist whose behavior is deemed really insulting for reasons I don’t altogether understand.
Also, the footnotes are not from her, correct? At the risk of flooding the bottom of the page, I could have used a few more.
I’m not saying I didn’t like it, because it was fun! I’m just not sure if I should have been feeling as lost as I felt after reading it.
Some of the lostness is deliberate, some of it (hopefully) becomes clearer further in. It should make more sense by the time things go further along. Also, like a lot of books of this sort, some things aren’t going to be clear until other books. Like Harry Potter’s wizarding world isn’t clearly defined until you’ve read all the books, or the incomplete picture of Barsoom you have until you’ve read a bit more of the series.
The footnotes suggestion will be passed along. The character who the footnotes are written by isn’t mine — those are both fictionally and in reality written by someone else.
Hiya. I’m a “real life” friend of Sylver, and she sent me over here. I think she’s under the impression that I’m into writing or something. *shrug*
Anyway… personally I find the heavy emphasis on the language thing at the beginning a bit kitschy, particularly because it seems to all but disappear a bit later on. I think you should put somewhat less emphasis on it, kind of along the same lines as your “you wouldn’t explain the internet” logic. It’s important, but I don’t think it’s something that should dominate the first two pages.
I also think you’ve actually written two chapters here, and not just one. There’s a very clear “recruitment” scene, and a very clear “interview” scene, that both could stand a little more fleshing out, which I’ll get to in a bit. I think the should be split because they seem to have vastly different settings, and rather different pacings as well as different, but specific, purposes.
Your first scene’s entire purpose should be to establish Sal and who she is. It’s problematic that I don’t realize she’s 10 until Evelyn says so. You might want to revisit the opening “letter,” and make it less “pardon my English,” and more “my name is Sal, I’m ten years old, my mommy does X and my daddy does Y,” kind of like what you’d expect from a fifth grader introducing herself. It gives you more leeway to bluntly explain certain things without interrupting flow, and could also work towards endearing the reader to your character from the very start. Isn’t she cute?
In the recruitment scene, I’d like to see more emotions. Again, keep in mind this is a ten year old girl. Although this all may be moot if there’s some specific goal you’re looking to achieve with specie characteristics, this is a ten year old making a decision that she knows will change her life and make her a single priviledged individual among her colony. I wanna see some bouncing pigtails or something, y’know?
In the second scene, I think it should be clearer that Evelyn is a ditz. You hint at it subtly, and in retrospect I think anyone from Sal’s world would understand that the lady’s a ditz, but I’m rather confident that most of your readers will not be from Sal’s world. I normally wouldn’t advise this, but throw in a cliche or two. You need to establish a temporary character very quickly. Have her chew gum, or look at neither mother nor daughter while talking, or wave a clipboard around, or something. Devote a bit more time to her appearance and manner in general, because I think you want to make it clear that Evelyn is a “bad” human and that Sal is a “good” whatever-the-heck-she-is, and those lines get crossed when the reader initially wants to sympathize with the fellow human.
That’s my take, anyway. Good luck and keep writing